Memories...happy and sad

This is a photo from my 60th birthday weekend, so it is three years old. You might have guessed that I am in the center of the photo and my children are on either side. Shannon is the one with the reddish hair. She colors her hair because she says it is "too grey." At first I didn't believe her, then I got a chance to see it when it was a bit grown out. She's right...just too much white for a woman her age! She is 39 years old in the photo and my son, Todd, the older of the two, is 41 years old here. He has his dad's hair - beautifully white at the temples and a sprinkling of white through the rest of his hair. Me - about four white hairs here, and three years later I have a few more shining in my temples.


This photo was taken on a very happy day. Two of my friends gave me the gift of a weekend at a beautiful beach house directly on the Atlantic Ocean in St. Augustine, Florida. My son and his wife, my daughter and her husband, and the two boys were there. My sister was a surprise guest and Lori, a long time friend, joined us with Dwight who has become the newest member of the "family." So, my closest friends and family members were there to celebrate with me, and with my life partner, Kess. It couldn't have been a happier, nicer, or more wonderful time!


The following year, on my 61st birthday, we celebrated again! Kess and I, and those same two generous friends, were going out to dinner at a favorite restaurant. When we arrived - there were my kids, their spouses, my grandsons and Lori and Dwight. I was delightfully surprised - again! Two years in a row I had my children with me for my birthday - what a treat! Another very, very, happy time...and a few tears of joy from this old mom.


I didn't know it then, but that was the last birthday that I would celebrate with both of my children. Four months later - almost to the day - my son was gone forever. I was with him that January...we visited him in South Carolina for his 42nd birthday in March, and then I never saw him or spoke with him again. On May 2nd he was dead, killed by a 21 year old girl who ran a stop sign. She hit him broadside on the driver's side and his truck rolled and rolled. Todd was thrown from the truck and he died on the edge of the road a few minutes later. The death certificate says he died from closed head trauma, but I could tell from the accident scene that he must have had massive internal injuries. I am told that he "didn't suffer" because the head injuries were so bad that he wouldn't have felt all the pain.

Todd would have been 44 years old today. Even though it has been almost two years, I frequently wonder if he knew what was happening when he lost control of the truck and it began to roll. Did he realize that his life was about to end? Did he call out for God, his wife, children, or his dad, Shannon or me? How long did he lie there, alone, before someone came to his side?


Today I feel frightened, frightened about the depth of the pain that I feel when I remember him. I feel frightened that I won't have the emotional strength to survive the day, yet I know I will. The memory of looking at the gashes in the asphalt from the truck tumbling over and over...the memory of seeing his blood on the road where it had run from his head...those memories are as clear in my mind as if they happened just yesterday. I'm not certain that it will ever be any different.

I haven't enjoyed a holiday or a birthday since Todd was killed. I haven't put up the Christmas tree, decorated for the Springtime, or planted any flowers. Those "special days" of the year don't seem so special. The things that bring happiness into my life now are live things - people, the great blue herons and owls that fly overhead, our three dogs and two old cats, my little parrot that Todd used to hold. She never tried to bite his callused hands...

As I get older, I cherish the memories of my children's lives - remembering when they were just little folks. They really do grow up too fast and leave home much too soon. I wish I could have a "do over" with my kids. I would pay a lot more attention, be much gentler, hug them dozens of times each day, not waste a minute in worry, but spend my time being in the present moment as I watched them grow.

Happy Birthday, Son. Your life made a difference for so many people and we miss you.