This has been a very strange day. I slept too late; left the stove burner on, on "high" while I got dressed; drove down the lane with my cup of tea on the top of the van; and, I cried a lot today. The crying doesn't feel bad, just unbidden.
Today my youngest grandson, Julian, is sixteen and I know it is a tough day for him. He won't get what he wants for his birthday because his gift list is far bigger and more expensive than his family can afford. In fact, it is bigger and more expensive than we all can afford even if we pooled our resources. (Oh, to be a grandma with enough money to lavish him with gifts!) I lost track of time this evening and neglected to call and wish him a happy birthday. Somehow the fact that his birthday card was mailed Monday doesn't relieve my regret about my failure to speak to him.
Sadly, I have faced this situation before. Keeping track of time is my biggest failing - in my opinion, anyway. I forget what day it is, when anniversaries and birthdays are, and forget to acknowledge such occasions in a timely fashion. Thankfully, my family members, children, and friends have a great deal of patience, and love, regardless of my thoughtlessness. My failings, my shortcomings, my mistakes, and the effects they have on those I love, float around like fallen leaves on my tears.
Another of my grandsons, Jake, is about to be deployed to Iraq. I can't say it out loud without crying. War -a lonely and evil thing. It takes people away, by distance, or illness, injury, and death. I am powerless to protect Jake and no prayers or tears of mine will change the reality of his departure. This war is a noxious battle of power and pride and desire for supremacy. My tears for Jake are among the pools, lakes, rivers and oceans of tears shed by so many women as their loved ones leave for battle.
I had to buy a new broom today. Why would buying a broom make someone cry? Because the other one is worn out, old and falling apart, leaving straw bits behind when I sweep. Today Julian is 16...this week Jake leaves for the war...my son's baby shoes are sitting on the table...I am feeling old, a bit worn out and used up. I leave groans behind when I get out of the chair...I know that I am not as strong or as fast as I was a few years ago. I left the burner on and the cup on top of the car, I cried when I bought a broom, and I forgot to call my grandson on his birthday. My faults, frailties, and failures seem easier to remember than the dates and days that I want to remember.
Today I bought a plastic box, a container for the mementos of my son, his life, and death. One day, when I think I can bear it, I will put his birth certificate, baby book, report cards, and other remembrances from his childhood in there. Then I will add his death certificate, dried flowers from his funeral, photos of his grave, and the little pieces of his truck that I picked up at the accident scene. Perhaps the plastic box will protect the things better than the cardboard box did. He died on Jake's 21st birthday...Jake deploys this week...I can't protect him...I forgot to call Julian. Dates and times, events and activities, remembering and forgetting...brooms, boxes and tears...
Things today really seem more weird than usual. Thoughts and memories are crowding my mind. My memories of the past and fears about the future are as abundant as the straws falling from the old broom. Tomorrow I must call both of my grandsons. I cannot get lost in my life and forget. I will call Julian and wish him "happy birthday." I will call Jake and say "good bye for now." I will cry and the tears will not feel bad, they will be unbidden.
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9 comments:
2nd deployments are hardest. 500 days is worse. Having more than one Divides the Heart - Then you know you must keep it whole.
Lavish gifts! A waste of time, energy, thought, and nothing a young person needs. A lavish Gift! Here it is! You are upset about no Lavish Gift- give him the one you are cryin g over. Call him three times a week. Post a sketch of the call, close enough to go somewhere? Museum of Science? Art Museum? A day walking in the park. Young people do not need things. They need your time! A lavish gift- buy two sketch books - just regular ones. utrecht has a sale. Buy two sets of graphite pencil, two sets of colored pencils, two sets of water color pencils, two packages of brushes- the ones marked for children two erasers and two
Manual sharpeners, make drawing dates with each other, choose an artist to study each month.
The other gift- there is an APO/FPO box at the US Post
Office , my challenge- the soldiers need items. Fill one month , have grandson help get the items, it cost about $11,00 to stuff one of those boxes. Have him find a way to send one a month.
Sherrie Roberts. (((circle of Hugs and Lavish Gifts)))
((((Frankye))))) I understand too well forgetting things like birthdays & such ... and the tears that flow unbidden at times. I'm sorry your grandson is being deployed - I've a nephew currently stationed in Iraq & he's in my mind constantly as I pray he comes home, safe & sound.
I hope today brings you some peace & joy.
Take care and be gentle with yourself. I hope that writing this made you feel a little better, as it is beautifully written and heartfelt. My best wishes to you and your family.
I don't think these are necessarily signs of age. And I think you have a right to be a little sad- your grandson is going off to war. THAT is a sad, and scary thing. Your other grandson is turning into a young man- and although the hardships he experiences will no doubt temper him, and make him a better person, it doesn't stop you from wanting better. In fact, I think it is part of being a parent/grandparent to want what is best for your children/grandchildren- what kind of grand/parent would we be if we didn't?
No matter what, your love will always show, and your grandchildren will remember THAT more than any present you could give them :)
Ohh Frankye, my eyes brim with understanding of the strength your life is demanding of you. I hold you in my heart and mind today (after that, my own life will take presidence, 'cause life's like that). So pour your love out there on your sweet boys and know that, for today, I've got your back.
Your writing is so engaging that I was crying too even before I got to the end of your post. I hope putting words to your feelings has offered some comfort. Your grandsons are fortunate beyond measure to have you in their lives.
Wow. This is a lot to hold onto. I am glad you wrote it down to release it. I have a nephew on his 4th tour. He has come home safely each time but it is a very scary thing. You have lost a son, of course you don't want to worry about a grandson but you didn't get that choice. Go ahead and cry, and cry some more until it is all out. Sorrow knows no time; joy does gradually replace it if we can let it in and sometimes we have to cry to make the space for it. Getting old is the pits! Not only do our bodies start to wear out but we start to outlive some of our peers and family. It happens. It's part of life. And it sucks! It sucks! It sucks!
I sure hope you are having a better day today. Laugh at that cup of tea, did you break the cup? If you did, go buy a prettier one. Can your grandson drive? Have him take you shopping and you take just him out for lunch. My son has replaced my burned pot twice for me (it was a really expensive one that I wouldn't buy for myself) and he didn't give me a hard time about it (well, not too hard a time).
Did you know you can send email to the military in the war zone? Get your grandson's military email addie but make sure you put something in the subject line or they'll reject it.
Hugs, hugs, hugs. We all need them sometimes. Hope you feel these.
Seems you have had a lot happen in life to earn those tears...I can't imagine a child dying before a parent. Having children we all face that possibility and I'm even more sad that possibility became your reality. I'm fortunate I don't have many dates to remember so it is not that I'm good at them it is that I don't have them.
Tears are good, grieving is a process that guides you to the other side. We all need it in order to move along with time...
Hello there Frankye! There are people who draws with pencil or crayons or just ink. But you, is able to make it with words. Plese don´t stop expressing yourself like this. About the pain, when we say it, it gets even smaller. And when we forget things, and talk about our fears, we become stronger and realise how human we are. I forget dates and names all the time too. That´s so natural. Please don´t punish yourself. Draw it! Hugs from Brazil. Aurileide Alves.
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